The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
