i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
