he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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