i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
