nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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