Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
