Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
