dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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