On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
