Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
