Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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