Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
