How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
now i know why i became what i already was.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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