When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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