I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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