3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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