This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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