I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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