The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
