Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
