Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I think my moral compass just broke
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
