im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
zippers are such a cool invention
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
