Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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