My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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