I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
