god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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