we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
