saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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