I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
