if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just found a bag of teeth...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
