she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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