hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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