Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
