.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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