I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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