if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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