How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
