Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
