I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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