I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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