so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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