There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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