i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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