why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."