So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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