Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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