if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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