last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
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The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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