An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
