I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That accounts for only three of the penises
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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