I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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