we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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