I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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