there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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