Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
