Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
