i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
