i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
