So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
