Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
