Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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