cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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