I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
