he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
