i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
