After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
